Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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