Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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