He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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