My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
