I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
