Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
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