I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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