I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Ketchup is God's man juice
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Who put my cat in the fridge?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
