i need an iv and a liver transplant
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You may now shotgun with the bride
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
