I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
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