Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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