It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
