So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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