If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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