He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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