Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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