I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
