It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
