dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
