Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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