I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize