You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
