I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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