We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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