my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
