How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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