i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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