Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize