i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
