I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
