Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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