im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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