I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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