I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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