Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i think my cat just said my name.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
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