if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
