Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
