My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
