I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Randomize
