Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
