Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize