I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
