I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
