its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
