Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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