he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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