I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
