new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
