woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
