yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
