why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
