and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
