Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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