I can tuck mytits in my pants
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
True strength comes from lack of pants
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
