i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
