Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
