So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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