non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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