Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
