Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
