You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
