what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
