I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
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