Jerry, you need to find god
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
